Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Randomize
