life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
