Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
