does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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