I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
