That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
