Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
