PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
