He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
