I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
