haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
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