i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
