sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
