I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
