16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
