please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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