Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
