It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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