She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
