I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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