just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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