I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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