I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
