this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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