I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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