I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
