the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
