Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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