just come out here and I will go home with you...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
