I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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