Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
