Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
