I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
