i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
