ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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