im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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