My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
