I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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