I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
