Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
