smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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