Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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