For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Randomize
