Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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