i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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