John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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