It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
