ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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