i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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