does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
