You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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