I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
