And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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