this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
