She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
