it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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