did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
