Cold hands, warm shart.
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize