A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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