A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
