i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
